Women need more productive works to do than men. I am particularly talking about married women and those women who are not working outside of their houses.
I am observing for quite a long time what type of conversation women do in our houses. More than this, what type of conversation my mother or all her friends or my relatives (aunties) do with each other.
Disclaimer: It does not mean men do not gossip or talk behind others, it’s just I am discussing women in particular because this gender is closer to me.
I’m not that kind of person who likes to sit with other women especially those who have no motive other than to bitch about every other household. However, while sitting with these kinds of women, I came to realize a few things that I am going to confess now.
I found that women bitch more than men. Wait, let me give you some examples. Women like to do spicy conversation and this spicy conversation includes backbiting and character assassination of all the other women they know. (or if even if they are not close to them)
These can be from their own relatives to acquaintances with maids. Although maids also love to do backbiting to other women and they listen with so much interest. Why you cannot let your maid do her job and go to her home other than to indulge with her and waste time.
Reasons for Gossiping:
I tried to figure out the reason for it. Elements of gossiping can be found in every age group however here are some that I found in the common household. Here are some:
- Firstly they live all day in the houses, they have problems with their in-laws, so they gossip about them to their neighbors. (i do not consider husband and parents in this, as there should be some to listen about problems, but what neighbors can do about it, nothing. They only get a spicy conversation to enjoy and pass some time).
- Secondly, those who are not working women, they live in their houses all day and many still have no access to social media, so all the day sneak into one house to others in order to get some spicy news.
- This contains who has an affair with whom, who has fights with her in-laws, whose income is pure, whose son and daughter are going through failures etc. More than concern, it is to highlight the negative traits of others in order to show one own self superior.
- (I am talking about Pakistani households, where there is either a joint family system or relatives visit often. If not, neighbors have the interest to know about others.)
- Thirdly, some get jealous of other relatives’ success and try to spread false rumors about their children. In doing so, they do not care about the defamation of the children or even their own siblings.
Whatever the reason being, these all compelled me to think about this. I also think about the difference between the conversation with my uncles and the conversation of my aunts.
The difference is it is easy for me to sit with my uncles, as they talk about the study, the problems, the various fields, the problems of the education system, politics, etc. (maybe my uncles are like this or not others, but here I am talking about my experience)
On the other side, I tried to listen to my aunt and my grandmother, I noticed at least for one hour was about all the other household she knew. She talked about how superior she is in the matter of character and morals. While the 10 other women that belong to different households know nothing and are corrupt.
What’s the problem, why too much interest in defaming others:
- So I thought, maybe it is because people when they do not have an interest in other fields or do not know anything about it, do not like to talk about it. Many only prefer to speak rather than to listen to others in order to maintain their elderly superiority.
- The problem is we as humans are unable to see our own imperfections, mistakes and think we are perfect and as Muslims, we think we are the only one who is going to heaven. While about other people, we love to declare them characterless, defame them, bitch about them and declare them as Kaafir.
- Moreover, in order to keep our Asian ritual of respecting elders sustain, we cannot say to them to change the topic or we cannot say to them that you are doing wrong.
Although gossiping is not limited to only women, there are men too who like to listen. However, I am here talking about specifically about women. If you cannot read books, cannot use social media for entertainment, cannot do any other effective activity like join some course, even if it is related to your religion or some exercise classes, the only conversation left is about other people.
It is not bad if you talk about the positive aspects of other people. If you use people in your conversation to motivate others. Although it needs the courage to talk good about others and see good in others.
In a typical society (Pakistan), many just try to overshadow other because here we cannot say no to many people in order to give them respect. Some people pray five times and some like to boast it too, however, when there is a point to gossip and slander they beat others. (but we cannot confront them otherwise there our parents get angry)
Moreover, I notice many like to watch daily soaps in which there is an extreme level of hopelessness, fights, and revenge. They like to relate with these dramas. I am not saying that these are not real. I am saying why not to watch those things that can relax your mind for some time.
Many things are changing with education. However, it still needs time to change behavior and it cannot change until people will work on themselves.
What to do to avoid slander and passing judgements:
(This is for both men and women)
The only thing that can help is to read different books even if you are not doing any job. This knowledge is the best thing that you can talk about and share. This knowledge should not be limited to only one aspect of life, it should be a balance of the modern world and the traditions.
If you cannot read, try to take part in healthy activities rather than sit and sneak in other houses.
Look into yourself, try to work on your own personality other than to see how religious or pious another person is. If you have no courage to stop someone even by your words, then do not bitch like a coward by sitting at home or in your office. Stop considering yourself the epitome of perfection.
Develop the patience in your own self and try to increase it so you can digest the success of others and before judging other people, you have the courage to look into your faults.
